Official White House photo (cropped) by Tia Dufour | via Flickr.com Public Domain CC 1.0
President Donald Trump recently went on Fox News with Sean Hannity, and denied rumors that he was “Best Pedophiles Forever” with Jeffrey Epstein:
HANNITY: Mr. President, thanks for agreeing to this interview to clear up all the misunderstandings about your relationship with Jeffrey Epstein. So let’s just get that out of the way at the top of the discussion. What would you like to say about Epstein?
TRUMP: America is so over the whole Epstein thing, okay? No one wants to hear about it anymore. Everyone is always coming up to me and telling me they can’t believe people are still talking about Epstein. They say Epstein is the most boring news story they’ve ever heard. And I want to talk about it more, but I can’t because of the audit. You know how audits go. And also because of executive privilege. And attorney-client privilege. And presidential immunity. Also, I barely even knew Epstein. I didn’t even know it was his private island and jet until like maybe the fourth time I went on trips there. Maybe not even then.
HANNITY: Would you testify on this?
TRUMP: I want to. I really do. But I can’t because of the chronic venous insufficiency. Doctor’s orders. My doctor says I can’t go to the DOJ and do a deposition because I need to be resting my feet at home. He says the only physical activity I should be doing is golf. For the circulation in my feet — you know how that goes. But it’s a sad thing, because no one wants to testify about Epstein more than me, I guarantee it.
HANNITY: There you have it, folks. The president is not a sex-trafficking pedophile. So everyone needs to stop calling him the “Mar-a-Lago Molester,” and the “Predator on Pennsylvania Avenue,” and the “Oval Office Deviant,” and the “Pedophile-in-Chief,” and “President Pervert,” and all the other nicknames going viral on social media.
TRUMP: You didn’t have to list them all like that, Sean.
HANNITY: Alright, let’s move on to the rest of the interview. Let’s start off with your kids. You have a great family, and they’re following in your footsteps in business and even politics with their MAGA activism. It must make you proud. So how would you rate your kids’ work ethics in your political career and the family company?
TRUMP: Oh, tremendous. Truly some of the best kids ever. Don Jr. is doing great work, and balancing the business with a lot of campaigning and television appearances defending me, and Eric is helping too. Since Eric’s children’s cancer charity got shut down by the State of New York so unfairly for just a little bit of alleged fraud, he has been helping out more around Trump Tower doing some janitorial jobs. And Jared is great, too. Everyone is being so unfair to him by assigning corrupt motives to his $2 billion investment from the Saudis. Nothing suspicious about that at all, I guarantee it.
HANNITY: I’ve always said that.
TRUMP: If you knew how innocent it was, it would blow your mind. People are saying it had absolutely nothing to do with the inter-palace coup Mohammed bin Salman did while we were negotiating deals with him. And we definitely didn’t sell the Saudis nuclear secrets in exchange for them letting me host some of their LIV golf tournaments at my golf courses. What a ridiculous rumor! It’s so absurd there’s no reason to investigate further, or confiscate one of my accounting books, or hook me up to a lie detector test and ask me if I have another secret accounting book. The idea is preposterous.
HANNITY: And what about Ivanka? How would you rate her?
TRUMP: Total ten. Ten for her chest, ten for her legs, and her hips are unbelievable!
HANNITY: Oh — I meant more like her business endeavors.
TRUMP: Oh, ten for that as well. No one’s done more for women in probably all of history. She’s up there with all the other greats, like… What an incredible brain she has. Trump brain. Trumps have some of the biggest brains of all time. And she’s got big other things, too. But her brain is just tremendous, especially for a woman. A tremendous woman. I’m sure she menstruates here and there, but she never lets you know when it’s happening. That’s very classy in a woman. And very rare. They usually never shut up about it! They get so nasty. But Ivanka’s a real doll. And don’t forget a genius thanks to her Trump brain. Our family just got really lucky with big brains. You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but I went to Wharton, graduated top of my class, made billions and billions.
HANNITY: Really, the top of your class?
TRUMP: I was tremendous. I was the best of the best. They wanted to give me a business degree after my first year because I was practically teaching all the professors. All my professors couldn’t believe the papers I turned in. They said, “Sir, your essays are the best we’ve ever read. You have deserved the Nobel Prize for Economics every year you’ve studied here!” But you know that stuff is all rigged. I should have gotten the Nobel Peace Prize several times as president, and the one for medicine for my amazing work stopping COVID like magic, and obviously literature for The Art of the Deal. But I barely paid attention in school. I spent my time drawing city skylines with my name on every single building, and planning out my business strategies to get rich fast by never paying my contractors or taxes. That’s the Trump secret. Which is why I was smarter than the professors. If they’re so smart, why are they paying taxes or their contractors? Only a genius like me could figure out how to never pay people or honor their contracts. Top of my class. Trust me, if you see my transcript, you’ll see nothing but A’s.
HANNITY: Wow! Will you release your transcript to show the liberals and finally, once and for all, shut them up about their fake news insults that you’re an idiot’s idea of a smart person, and a povvo’s idea of a rich person?
TRUMP: I’d love to, except the grades are being audited. You know how it goes…
HANNITY: Can’t you request the university release your transcript?
TRUMP: If they do I will sue them for $5 billion… Because of the audit. No one takes audit integrity more seriously than Trump. They say I never shut up about personal integrity.
HANNITY: Of course, of course. And how are your other kids doing?
TRUMP: Stefanie is doing amazing, tremendous things.
HANNITY: Do you mean Tiffany?
TRUMP: That’s what I said, Tiffany. Actually, Stefanie is her middle name, which I sometimes call her.
HANNITY: Her name is Tiffany Stefanie Trump?
TRUMP: And she’s doing great. Somewhere between the ages of 25 and 35, and really doing so many amazing things, such as… And Barron is great, too. Melania really loves her son. They’re very close. They speak in Slovenian all the time, and they have a lot of fun together. Every time I walk in the room they start saying jokes in Slovenian, and they burst out laughing. Actually, I’m not sure he even speaks English.
HANNITY: What do you think the impact of Melania’s “Be Best” was?
TRUMP: She actually has more of a D-chest. Donald J. Trump does not marry women with B cups. But, honestly, Melania is starting to sag. She’s getting up there in years. Usually when my wives pass forty it’s time for an upgrade, but this time was a little different because the Christians, they really don’t like divorce, and I need their votes. You know how it goes.
HANNITY: I meant her “Be Best” campaign… The anti-bullying project.
TRUMP: Ohhh! “Be Best!” It went so, so great. I know I’ve learned so much about bullying. It has made me see things in a whole new light. Like how much the fake news bullies me. I’m the nicest president of all time — everyone in America loves me — and they’re so mean to me. No president has ever been treated like this. It’s criminal.
HANNITY: The fake news media will never understand or acknowledge your greatness. Just like they’ll never understand real America. The fake news at this point is practically addicted to lying about you. It’s like, so what, you had some illegal immigrants concentrated indefinitely in camps with substandard living conditions, but that’s the furthest thing from a concentration camp! It’s not even close! And you went around allegedly dividing the country by calling Democrats “sub-human vermin,” and Mexicans “rapists,” and Blacks “thugs,” and liberals “traitors who should be shot,” but you’re the furthest thing from divisive. If anything, you’re uniting the country with hatred for the slight majority of the country that voted against you twice. Liberals are just losers who can’t accept the fact that their three decades of popular vote victories aren’t enough to win them majority representative power in Congress or a Supreme Court majority. Babies, right?
TRUMP: And they’re even mean to Ivanka. How could you be mean to her? Look at her. Such a hot piece of meat you just want to get sizzling. You just want to take her off the grill and drizzle ketchup all over her. Get her nice and glistening. Her body is like a mouth-watering, well-done steak I’d do anything for — if she wasn’t my daughter, of course.
HANNITY: Woah, haha, no filter, everybody! Blue collar again! We’ve got a man of the people over here who says exactly what he’s thinking!
TRUMP: Sometimes I think about what I’d look like as a girl. Occasionally after a shower I’ll tuck it in and take a look, but it’s not the same. And Ivanka is tremendous, but she only has half of my genes. I’ve got 100% of them. Can you imagine how hot I’d be if I were a chick for real? I’d love to see myself at 13. Yowza! I’d be a piece of ass I could do locker room talk about all day! I’d have to keep myself away from Epstein, if you know what I mean! Or, from what they say, you know? I barely even knew him. If he was here in this room with you and me, I wouldn’t be able to pick him out. Maybe he got coffee for me one time. Everyone is talking about how they never saw me at his parties, or his private islands, or the birthday parties he apparently used to throw for me every year. But yeah, I’d have one of the great bodies of all time if I were a broad. And tremendous tits. Way bigger than I have now. I’ll tell you what, though, I wouldn’t have any kids. I’d keep my body untainted by all that. As soon as all my wives had kids, their bodies went straight down the toilet. You just can’t respect or admire a woman after she has carried a baby around for nine months and become a mother. People call it a beautiful miracle, but it’s like Vietnam. And a total boner killer. Pregnant women just give up on having a thin waist around month five. Nothing ruins a woman like motherhood.
HANNITY: Telling it like it is! No lame, Woke political-correctness from you, Mr. President. The libs who respect their wives and women in general are so owned right now. Get me my cup of liberal tears! Time to fill up!
TRUMP: The only good thing about a pregnant wife is that she stops having a period for nine months, and stops bleeding all over the place from her wherever. What a relief those nine months are! But the birth thing is just a total mess. I can’t watch it. I always let my wives do that stuff on their own. And I let the mothers raise the kids. I call the kids on their birthdays and stuff, but it’s like, “See me when you’re 18.” And it works. My kids turned out so great. Who knew parenting was so easy? My ex-wives always said it was hard doing everything themselves while I was making money or taking other women out furniture shopping, but they didn’t have a Trump brain so I can understand why it was difficult for them.
HANNITY: Incredible. Thank you so much for granting Fox this interview. Would you like to spit in my mouth? Mr. President, it would be the honor of my life if you spit right into my mouth, right now. 🥃
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